What do you do when your toddler or young child reacts badly to a new baby? Some children seem to accept new siblings without problems, but others - no matter how well you have prepared them, and how much attention you give them - seem to become angry, even violent. Some toddlers try to hit or bite the new baby. Parents, exhausted by the demands of a newborn, can be at their wits' end knowing how to deal with their older child.

Your toddler needs your attention

It is perhaps not much comfort when you are going through this, but a child who becomes angry or jealous is reacting as many firstborn children do when a sibling arrives. He's ensuring that he has lots of attention in the way that's easiest to him. He probably doesn't enjoy hurting his baby brother or sister, but he gets his parents' attention - if only in a negative way. And then gets even more attention when he makes you angry. A child of two or three isn't old enough to realise the irony of this.

The best book which covers this topic is 'How to Really Love your Angry Child' by Ross Campbell. It looks at reasons why children become angry, and ways that they deal with it - some good, some not so good. Perhaps you haven't really 'heard' your child's natural anger and jealousy at having his world disrupted, so he's reacting in ways that cause problems. He has gone from being (apparently) the centre of your world to the periphery. Perhaps he thinks that he wasn't good enough for you, so you have found another baby to replace him. Or perhaps he simply doesn't like the changes that have come over the household and needs time to adjust.

Ensure that your child knows you love him unconditionally

Rather than any kind of discipline, the first thing to do is to ensure that your child really knows that you still love him, and will never stop loving him, no matter what he does. This may seem obvious to you, but not all children understand it. Make sure your child has lots of cuddles and special time without the baby. Telling him he's 'big' may only make it worse, if it seems to him that it's much more fun being the baby. Try only to talk about him being big when it's an obvious advantage. For instance, big children can eat chocolate, and babies can't. Big boys can ride bikes... Don't push the idea that 'big children don't fight' (or cry, or throw tantrums) or any other issues which he might see as negative.

When your child knows for sure that he's special to you, his violent behaviour may simply stop. But if it's too much of a habit, try sitting him down on your lap, and discussing with him what sort of rules you should have in your family. He will probably suggest some of his own - and it's a good idea to talk about the lots of rules which a new baby needs as she's so young. Bring the conversation gently around to things like 'no hitting' or 'sharing toys', helping him to see that the rules apply to the baby too, and to any other children in the home. Explain gently why it's important to observe these family guidelines.

Talk to your toddler about his feelings

Then ask your child how he feels when he wants to hit the baby. He might describe that his tummy hurts, or say he just wants her to cry. Don't show any shock - these are quite normal reactions - but help him name the emotions ('jealousy' or 'hurt' or whatever it is) and help him to become aware of when he's feeling that way before he reacts physically. Perhaps he could use a phrase with you that nobody else understands - come up with something together like a secret code - so that you can remove him from the situation when he's feeling this way. Or tell him that it's fine to ask for an extra cuddle if he's feeling jealous. He needs to be aware that his feelings are acceptable, but that he should learn appropriate ways of dealing with them. Once he knows that you don't mind what he says about the baby, he may be able to open up more and tell you when he's feeling angry.

In the meantime, go for walks in the park, get together with relatives or friends who can spend extra time playing with your child - or hold the baby while you play with your older child. And keep telling your child how precious he is to you, and how glad you are that you have him.

Further reading:

children and personality types
discipline - to spank or not?
ADD or highly spirited?